Okay, I’m back with more things I love about the holiday season. Well, one kind of thing, but at least there’s three of them.
Favorite Non-Traditional Traditions
Christmas trees, Christmas cookies, and caroling on a cold December night. There’s no shortage of traditions tied to Christmas alone, let alone the dozen other holidays one might celebrate this time of year. That said, there a few, let’s say especially unique, such traditions that might have disappeared into the mists of history if not for one simple fact.
They friggin’ rule.
So, if you’re not familiar with these traditions, allow me to help you get acquainted with them so you can share them with your friends and family.
The Lord of Misrule
The Lord of Misrule was a title bestowed to someone, usually a poor beggar, during the winter Feast of Fools and who was charged with leading the Christmastime revelry. The Lord would then lead his merry band of revelers to the homes of the wealthy and make demands for food and liquor. These demands were usually backed with threats of yuletide violence visited upon those who refused. Frankly, I think threatening the rich with violence unless they feed the poor is something we should bring back.
Not just at Christmastime, but throughout the year.
Mari Lwyd
Mari Lwyd is a Welsh tradition which also involves people coming up to someone else’s home and demanding refreshments.
Except this time the party paying a visit is a Skeletal Horse.
A RAPPING skeletal horse.
That’s right, this boney bastard knocks on your door and then challenges you to a Rap Battle where instead of using your dope rhymes and sick beats to diss him, you need to come up with excuses as to why a skeletal horse can’t come inside and drink your best booze and tastiest eats.
Basically, it’s Caroling but METAL AS FUCK!
Heitstrenging (Yule Boasting)
Heitstrenging is the old Norse Yule tradition of getting hammered and then proceeding to swear an oath about all the kick-ass bitchin’ things you’re about to do in the upcoming year. These oaths are usually outlandish, sometimes even literally impossible, things that one only promises when they’re already dozen mugs of ale in on the longest night of the year. Whether it’s armies you might defeat, wild animals you might slay, or literal gods that you’ll fuck, marry, or kill (or if feeling especially boastful, all three), nothing is off the table, and the only limit is your imagination and blood-alcohol level.
Anyone can resolve to go to the gym more often come January 1st. It takes a special kind of gumption to promise to woo a Valkyrie and pimp slap Thor right across his stupid, sexy face.
Okay, that wraps up my Holiday Content Extravaganza™ (for real this time.) Thank you for letting me indulge in some holly jolly what-the-fuckery. Whether your holiday celebrations involve beating up the rich, rapping horses, not-so-humble Viking brags, or something a bit more traditional (by Western standards), I hope its joyful and that you share it with those you like and love.
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